So I’m in NYC this week for a digital marketing conference. My attitude at work has gotten dramatically worse in the last several weeks, exacerbated by the continued disorganization, shit communication, and crisis environment. Just like Arianna Huffington has spoken about our society’s glorification of busy, my workplace does something similar but instead, it’s glorifies urgency. Needless to say, my already low level of tolerance is wearing especially thin. Even my boss has mentioned a few times: come back from NY re-energized and optimistic.
In the last several days, she’s also dropped Asian parent guilt trips like, “My ass is on the line; can you help me?” I don’t think her fear is rational, but at the same time, when someone you know acts like the sky is falling, it’s hard to stand by and not get involved. It’s frustrating as hell trying to manage my own emotional and mental stability when I’m exposed to this level of anxiety and neuroses every day. It triggers certain aspects of my childhood. Anyway, it’s a daily struggle trying to maintain my own sense of self within the chaos–warranted or not.
So Monday night, I hit the eject button and flew out of my current enironment: hitched that red-eye into NYC. I made the mistake of eating some chocolate early on in the flight, so I didn’t conk out as usual. Tuesday morning, I did the public transit trek into the city: about 90 min on the train/subway. On the ride in, I was reminded by the weary looks on everybody’s faces about life– the drudgery of the day in and day out.
I arrived at the hotel early, like before 10a. I figured, I would just drop off my shit at the front desk and then explore. Well, I was plesantly surprised, bc they gave me a room that early. HIE is an old standard for us: affordable and clean. Sometimes a step up, but usually basic. After unpacking and such, I headed out. I went south to the WTC, got lost a gabillion times, took in some interesting odors throughout. It’s nice to be in a bustling place.
I had searched for pizza for lunch, but apparently, the Financial District was not the spot. Then, I had trouble getting my way OUT of Fidi, so I ended up eating lunch at a Thai place near the hotel. Phenomenal. And bc I was so damn hungry, I ordered a papaya salad AFTER my noodles. I asked for medium, and holy shit. Let’s just say, I was blowing my nose like crazy and my mouth, lips, everything burned so badly, I got a bumpy on my lip. This is how you do the Kylie Jenner lips. Holy. fuck. Note to self: medium is super spicy.
After that, I headed back to my room to rest. At 5, I went out to Times Square to get same-day tickets for Fun Home, a drama on Broadway. So good. I mean, heavy shit about family dysfunction and what happens when you deny your true identify to be what other people expect you to be… it was sad, poignant, and yet had really great moments of humor. Broadway, man. That is some real caliber acting. Fuck, man. And the play: it was a capsule of life, with all its complexities– some of it perhaps artificially created and exacerbated by our own shit choices.
On my walk home, I thought about how most people really do have good intentions. But there are demons, sicknesses. I think about people whose actions I judge. Celebrities and ordinary people. It’s easy for me to say, people should be accountable for their decisions. But did I grow up with a father who was a drug addict? Was I physically abused as a child? Did I witness domestic violence? I have led a very sheltered and sanitzied life that in many ways, gave me more choices or perhaps choices offering more freedom than others. I think about how my shitty job has made me cranky or angry or rebellious. In so many ways, I have been acting out bc I’m unhappy about my job and perhaps about where I am in my life. My circumstance is simply a shitty job. Let’s be real: there are worse jobs out there. I’ve HAD worse jobs. I guess the play yesterday somehow reminded me that in spite of my latest “woes,” I really am so damn lucky. Sure, I can want better, but I need to get my head out of my fucking ass. Not that I am completely dismissing my issues, but there are some real, serious,heavy problems out there in the world. I need to get some goddamn perspective, for fuck’s sake.