Mental Training

August has been another dramatic month. On one hand, I can recall multiple highs. On the other hand, quite a few lows.

First the good. I had dinner with my friend L several weeks ago. Quite honestly, he is one of the nicest people I know. And to think we met on the plane… it makes for a great story. We had a great time catching up… time always flies with him. At one point, I gave an update on my job search. He probably sensed the frustration in my face and voice. He then said, “What can I do to help?” It’s kind of funny. That’s what friends do, right? They help each other. And many of them do help, but I rarely hear those actual words! In fact, I was so taken aback, I had to think about the question. I mean, who really asks? I think I may have asked only once or twice with other friends and that was because I was exasperated and totally out of ideas. I told L to just keep his eyes peeled for opportunities and/or contacts in my target areas. Afterwards though, for some reason, I really felt a need to clarify, like, “I didn’t ask you to dinner to get something out of you…” to which he responded, “Oh yes, I know. Of course. I know that, but I just want to see if there’s anything I can do.” It was I dunno, an unexpected and yet very welcome gesture. I think I will start to adopt that practice myself. Too often, I probably just assume that I know how to help someone, but wow, what a concept: ask and see what the person needs. Duh. See? I learn so much from L. He’s awesome. And so refreshingly candid too. I mean, here I am struggling with figuring out my life. It’s so easy for me to think that as a GM/SVP of a startup, he’s got all his shit figured out. But you know, he shares his own struggles too. Not like his challenges make me happy or anything, but it’s just helpful to understand that life really is a moving target for a lot of us… And it doesn’t mean we should just acquiesce and become passive either. Anyway, kinda eye-opening.

Then, as I mentioned earlier, I appreciated hearing from my ex-boss. I also caught up with some ex-coworkers. Went for a bike ride with J. She was so sweet. I mean, I never expect or demand apologies from people for falling out of touch. I get it: life happens, but it was still thoughtful of her to acknowledge and apologize. Truthfully, sometimes when I spend long periods of time alone, my mind starts to fuck with me a little. I get flashes of doubt… I suppose it’s a form of insecurity. I dunno. Frankly, I think all these rejections from job hunting exacerbate that condition where I just need just a little bit of validation and reassurance. I know it’s an irrational fear, so I try to keep it in check as much as possible, but still, the occasional positive feedback helps. What else. I also had lunch recently with my bud M. Introduced her to Costco beef brisket sandwiches. Yup, stick with me, lady. I’ll show ya all the cheap and easy tasties, because I’m all about streamlining the meals. Haha.

Oh, big news: my good friend G finally popped! And out came a big baby boy! So many years in the making, and wow, he’s finally here. What a celebration!

Job-wise, my hunt is picking up more. After my great phone interview last Friday with a local environmental NGO, I went out on a limb to hustle the employer via my thank you note. My strategy worked, because on Monday morning, I got invited to an in-person interview yesterday (Wednesday)!! Yee haw! I was so thrilled. When I went in, the deputy director said she was really impressed by my thoughtful email, and that’s why she invited me in for the onsite interview. Check! I thought the interview went really well, and so this morning, I followed up again with a meaty thank you note, using the opportunity to expound on another question she asked me yesterday. Two hours later, I got the rejection note. Boo.

Admittedly, the situation last week did sound like the organization had already put out an offer to someone else and like a dark horse, I weaseled my way into the final round last minute. Maybe this morning, they heard back from the candidate? I dunno, exactly. I suppose the positive perspective is that I made it pretty darn far. But the other side of me, still can’t help but feel sad and disappointed. Rejected again. Somehow, still not good enough, still not the right fit. Sigh. All this time and energy…

I know, I really should focus on the brighter side of it all: I’m definitely getting better with interviewing. The nerves are calming with each successive event. I’m learning to ramp up quickly and come across intelligently on various topics. Plus, my onsite interview the day before with a national environmental NGO went well. I’m slated to meet the line manager in person next Friday while I’m in DC. Still. I really want a win already!!

Beyond those things, I’ve been struggling a bit with periods of overwhelm. Robin Williams. Ferguson. James Foley. Violence, abuse, sadness, people harming/mistreating/killing each other… some days, it’s just too damn much. My heart feels so heavy with sorrow. I’ve been losing sleep again too, with my mind just trying to make sense of it all. But it just won’t EVER make. sense. Ugh. Time for Meditation Oasis again.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *